Ache.

Sometimes I wonder where it comes from, that unexplainable heartache that hits you in the strangest of times.  Like when you’re sitting at your desk playing stupid computer games.  Or when you’re at work, making a coffee for the jolly caffiene-addicted patrons.  Or when you’re driving down the freeway and the tears start tickling your eyes.  Or when you’re sitting in your roommates while hallmates laugh abundantly.

I don’t understand what God is doing right now.  He’s breaking me down.  I didn’t think I could get much more broken than I already was – but I guess that’s what I get for thinking I had it all figured out.  That’s what I get for thinking I’m on top of the world and that I don’t need His brokenness.

Funny.  Guess He’s showing me.  I’m just so tired of the heartache.  I so want to be able to sing along with Over the Rhine, “What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be….” I’ve seen the beauty in some of the heartache.  I’ve glimpsed a lot of the beauty that comes from the heartache that enveloped my heart last semester.  I’m sure there’s more beauty to come, I’m just not sure how much longer I have to wait.  How much more heartache do I have to endure?

Jesus, my sweet Savior, please…turn this heartache into something beautiful.  I know You will, for You promise that everything works out for our good if we love You.  Help me to rest in that truth, knowing that you will turn this heartache into something beautiful.

Thankfulness.

It’s a couple of days after Thanksgiving, but I’ve been thinking these past few days about all the things I have that I should be thankful for.  Here’s just a few of them…

~I’m thankful for my Sisters: Heidi, Beth, Audrey, Blaine, and Kristy — They love me more exactly as I am, flaws and all.  They make me laugh, they make me cry, they drive me nuts, and they make me smile.

~I’m thankful that God has me in Italy.  My heart is here and I can’t wait to call this place home.

~I’m thankful for simple joys, like pumpkin pie and peanut butter cookies.

~I’m thankful for heaters that keep me warm.

~I’m thankful for my family – as crazy as messed up as they are, they’re my family and I do, in fact, love them.

~I’m thankful for my camp family.  They mean the world to me.

~Above all, I’m thankful that I have a Savior who loves me exactly as I am, but loves me too much to keep me there.  He’s stretching me and breaking me and teaching me some powerful lessons right now, but it’s beautiful.  I’m falling more in love with Him every day.

I Lift My Eyes Up

I lift my eyes up to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
He will not let your foot slip –
He who watches over you will not slumber;
indeed, He who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.
The LORD watches over you – The LORD is your shade at your right hand;
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.
The LORD will keep you from all harm –
He will watch over your life;
The LORD will watch over your coming and your going
both now and forevermore.

Psalm 121

Mmm.  My sister read this passage for devotions this morning.  I looked out my window after breakfast and just stared at the mountains.  How amazing that the God who created those incredible hands loves me more than I’ll ever know.

Pace.

“Pace a voi, pace a voi”, disse questo il Salvatore
“Vi do pace, la mia pace”, no non come il mondo da
no non come il mondo da…..

We’ve been signing this song nearly every week at church in Udine.  It talks about how the peace that God gives is nothing like anything the world gives us.  His peace goes beyond words.  Ah, a life lived in His peace would be so beautiful.

Gesu, voglio Suo pace…

Time-Limits

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ forgave you.”

Ephesians 3:31-32

I mentioned back in September that I’d had a challenge placed before me: forgive someone who had hurt me deeply and whom I’d held a grudge against for seven years now.  Seven years of bitterness.  And then someone had the heart to tell me the other night that I’m not moving fast enough in being able to forgive this person.

Really?  Does forgiveness have a time limit?  If it does…I’m in big trouble.

London: Day 1

I spent my Fall Break in London with six of my fellow students. We didn’t sleep or eat much at all, but we laughed a lot and came back with a bunch of stories. Overall, I’d say the week was a success.

I guess I can give a play-by-play of the trip…just in case anyone is interested.

Saturday
After an eventful morning (half of the girls overslept and were awoken by me at 6am – the time we were supposed to be leaving school), we got on our train and headed toward Treviso. We got checked in without a hitch and went to wait for our flight. The morning was beautiful…we sat by huge windows and watched the sunrise while drinking coffee and eating croissants. We boarded the plane and settled in for our two hour flight to London.

Once safely through UK customs, we hopped a bus from Stanstead into Stratford and marveled at the fact that we were driving on the wrong side of the road. Upon arriving in Stratford, everyone was hungry so we meandered into the Travel Center and bought some lunch. I had Burger King – a Whopper with fries. So incredibly unhealthy yet so delicious.

We left Stratford and caught several of the underground lines until finally arriving at our hostel: The Best Place Inn.  It was just above a pub called “The Steam Engine”.  It was actually nice.  Very crammed.  As in: 12 beds in one room.  But hey.  It was an adventure if nothing else.
After checking in and taking a brief nap (it had been a LONG day!) we headed out.  The first thing we did was quite important…we got Starbucks!  None of us had had American coffee since leaving the States so it was a welcome treat.  Granted, Italian coffee (or Orzo if you’re me) is far more delicious, but it was nice to see the familiar Caramel Macchiatos and Mocha Fraps.  We walked past the London Eye and took in the sights of Big Ben and Parliament along the Thames River.  We watched the sun set behind Parliament.  It was incredible.

We walked past Big Ben and Parliament and found ourselves facing Westminster Abbey.  After the Abbey we walked on until we found Buckingham Palace.  To be honest…I wasn’t all that impressed!  But it was still cool to see.  We relaxed by the Queen Elizabeth memorial for a bit and then walked down the road, through an arch, and into Trafalgar Square.  We walked around the Square and then found our way back to the hostel for a good night’s sleep.  As we were walking back to the Hostel we realized that we’d traveled by six different modes of transportation in one day: we drove to the train station, rode the train to Treviso, rode a bus to the airport, flew in an airplane to London, rode the Tube to the Hostel, and then walked through London.  Car, train, bus, plane, tube/subway, walking.  All in one day.  We were just missing water and animal transportation!

Homework is calling….but I’ll post about the rest of the trip later tonight or tomorrow.

Give and Take Away

You give and take away,
You give and take away,
my heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name…

We spent some time last night talking about what it means to bless His name even when things are taken away.  We say it all the time and it sounds like such a great idea, but when it comes down to it….we don’t.  We don’t praise Him when He takes away.  We sit and complain.

I learned a big lesson in praising Him when He takes away this week.

Due to some health concerns, I was about to forfeit my trip to London.  I’d already put money into the trip and I was excited to go and see a new country.  I was excited to be able to communicate with the people around me!  I was excited.

And then I got sick.  I knew I had to get to the doctor.  I had two choices.  (1) Miss out on London and go to the doctor on Monday, or (2) go to the doctor on November 4th.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait until Novembe so, after countless tears and a lot of frustration, I gave up the idea of going on London.  For once I made a logical choice and let go of something that I desperately wanted to do in order to actually take care of myself.

He took away.  I got so angry with Him.  Sure, taking away my trip to London wasn’t the biggest thing in the world, but it hurt.  I got to the point where I was broken enough that all I could do was praise Him.  I knew that He knew what He was doing.  I decided to trust that He knew that I wasn’t going to be going on this trip.  He knew I would get sick.  He was doing this for a reason.

And then today….He worked and incredible work.  I got to the doctor, got drugs, and I get to go to London.  When I finally surrendered to Him and trusted in His plan….He gave me the desire of my heart.

God is so good.  He gives and takes away and I will praise Him still.

home.

I snapped this picture in Venice last weekend.  This country is breathtakingly beautiful.  I don’t understand how it can be so beautiful and yet so….lost.  So broken.

There are 60,000,0000 people in Italy.
95% of those Italians are “Catholic”.
5% of Italians are actually practicing Catholics.
32,000 towns and cities throughout the country have no Evangelical witnesses.
Italy has the second lowest Bible literacy rate in the world.
0.6% of Italians are born-again believers.  Compare this to India and China, were over 5% of the population are born-again Christians.
90% of full-time missionaries leave Italy within four years of arriving.  More missionaries leave Italy than any other country in the world.

This is my home.  I can’t ignore it any longer.

Storm

Why is it so easy to say, “God I’ll praise You in the storms”, but so hard to actually execute it?  I don’t understand how David can continually call out to God, praising Him in spite of the fact that David’s enemies are heavy upon him.  David spends the first half of Psalm 71 tells of how his enemies are conspiring against him.  They are whispering behind his back and plotting to kill him.  He’s getting old and his body isn’t working the way it used to.  And yet he comes in at verses 15 and 16 with this: “But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.  I will come and proclaim Your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD; I will proclaim Your righteousness, Yours alone.” His life is a mess, and yet he still can praise God.  He still calls God sovereign and still proclaims His righteousness.

I’m stuck in a storm right now.  My emotions are a mess.  My heart is being torn in half – half of it is here with me in the country that I love and that I’m learning to call home, and part of it is back with my sisters in the place that has always been home.  All I want to do is scream.  And run away.  And tell God that I’m not a fan of Him right now and I hate the fact that He is testing me in this way.  And yet…I should praise Him.  My heart longs to praise Him.  In everything.  The good times and the bad.  The sunshine and the storms.  Why is it so easy to say and so hard to do?

Yesterday morning, Jennie’s iPod was playing in the bathroom and “Praise You in This Storm” by Casting Crowns came on.  It pretty much shattered me.

I was sure by now
That You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And i will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

I’ll praise You in this storm
And i will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

I’ll praise You in this storm
And i will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

Jesus, help me to praise You in this storm.  Take away my selfishness, my pride, my anger, my confusion, my frustration – take away everything that is keeping me from praising You.  You are good, even in the storms.

perdono.

I’ve had a huge challenge placed before me this week: forgive someone that I don’t want to forgive and whom I don’t think deserves my forgiveness.

How selfish can I be?  Do I ever deserve the forgiveness of my Savior?  No.  I deserve the thorns He had shoved onto His head for my sake.  I hurt Him over and over – I spit in His face, I choose everyone else but Him, I put Him last…I do everything other than what I should do.  And yet He still forgives me.

But I still can’t forgive her.  I say she doesn’t deserve it.  I say she hurt me too much.  I say it’s easier to hold onto all of it and be bitter and angry with her.  And all of those things are true.  She doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.  She did hurt me more than words could ever describe.  It would be easier to hold onto it all and be bitter and angry.  It would’ve been easier for Christ to do the same to me.  And yet He forgives me.

It’s time for me to follow in His footsteps, walking where He walks and forgiving as He forgives.

Jesus, give me the strength to forgive her.  Match my heart with Yours so that I have the desire to forgive her.  Help me never to forget the power of Your forgiveness.  Thank You for taking the thorns that I deserved.